sullyboo

Back from vacation and now it’s back to life and back to reality. I have the, uhh, advantage? that my reality is very simple right now. Although I don’t have too much going on right now, my life still seems pretty full so that’s a good thing. I’m working with a couple of different groups at church and I’m pretty sure that will keep me busy. I’m also still trying to be a CASA volunteer and I plan to revive the blogs .

In terms of meds, I’m a total mess. I’m still trying to find something that will actually work for me but at least there aren’t so many other things going on right now while trying to fix the meds. I get to mostly just focus on getting better and keeping the simple things in my life in order. Hoooray!

Again, we’ll see how I feel about this in around a week. Chances are I’ll be going totally stir crazy.

So what has been going on in my life? Well lets see. I felt bad, then I felt worse, then I felt a little bit better and then finally I felt even worse. It’s been an interesting while.

I’m sitting in Starbucks right now and I’m reflecting on grief and such and it’s such an interesting thing to ponder. I had someone ask me if I’m still grieving because I’m unwilling to let go thinking that moving past it would in some way minimize the significance or anything. At the time it initially felt like a punch to the gut but I’m even more confused the more I ponder. In one sense, I think that there is no “right” way to grieve and there is no “right” timetable for everyone but on the other hand I see that there comes a place where you need to actively move forward. What does that look like and how do I do it? I have no idea. I’m just going to keep working on some of my personal issues and try and do the best I can with a little help from friends and God.

I also learned this week that it’s okay to need others. I really needed some support this weekend and I had some amazing people really step up and be with me through a rough time and it was such an example of God’s love. There are times when he lets you struggle in order to deepen your dependence on him and your sense of depravity but then he shows his mercy through friends and followers. DH and I are so likely to just try and keep everything to myself but I think it really was in some ways a blessing that DH was at work this Sunday because I was able to see that I have lots of other people in my life that are there for me and I don’t have to feel so desparate and alone.

Well that’s all I’ve got.

I’ve been going back and forth, should I revive the blog? I’ve decided that I’ll get back to it a little bit. We’ll see how it goes.

For now, that’s all you get, after months of neglect it has technical kinks that need to be straightened out before I can get some good blogging in again.

I hate daylight savings. I’m super tied to my schedule, I wake up at the exact same time most days, etc. I’m a HUGE, not-so-hot mess right now because my clock is off. My brother and friends all passed the bar which is really exciting but I wish I was there too. I feel like life has just left me behind. For some reason graduation didn’t bother me so much but this just stings. That should be me, I should be done, and I’m not.

I’m going to go and do what I’ve been doing all week long, cry. We’ll see what happens.

Why am I such a good blogger when I’m procrastinating and putting off doing things I need to do like write a paper? Oh well, such is life. My stupid swine flu has now turned into a secondary infection and is rising from the dead and attempting to kill me. I’m now on super heavy duty antibiotics and I hope those don’t make me really ill.

Anyway, life is puttering along, trying to get better, next week marks the beginning of law school finals: a monthlong saga. Oh joy. I will be so glad when this thing is just over though. I think I have an okayish handle on most of my classes and then it’s CHRISTMAS. I’ve literally had to physically restrain my hubby to keep him from putting up our Christmas tree, and it’s OCTOBER. That is one of the things I love about him though.

Sadly, with school I haven’t gotten to play around much with cooking so I don’t have anything new and fun to report. AH. I just remembered, vegan chocolate pudding. SO good. Will post recipe tomorrow. Promise.

So I haven’t blogged lately. Ooops. School happened. Thankfully, school is trucking along okay but it’s stealing all of my free time and energy so I basically have no friends. That sucks.

I’m becoming increasingly bitter about all of the pregnant people in the world. For real. I mean I know you’re probably thinking, really? I mean you were already really really bitter so how can you get more bitter? Oh, it’s possible, I assure you. My family came into town last week and that messed with my head and that’s not fun at all.

I think that one of the most frustrating things in my life right now is being sick. I had a little cold thing that never went away. Then I got the full blown swine flu. Now, I still have a lingering cold/sore throat/goop thing that won’t leave me. I know that it probably has something to do with my state of constant stress due to law school but dangit GO AWAY. I don’t want you anymore. I would like to be able to exercise without losing a lung again. K thanks.

Lets see, what else is happening? I guess that’s about it. Sick/bitter at the world/stressed. Yep, that’s me in a nutshell.

ps. I’m actually slightly less bitter at church/God but still a big cynical blob of grumpiness. I’m like the old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn. hahaha. at least that mental image made me smile.

So I realize that to many people, cleaning the house and getting things all ready for an emergency is not a typical response to being stressed about school, but that’s totally what I’m doing. Weird, I know. One good thing that has come up is that I straightened up all the bookshelves in the house, got some books ready to donate, etc. In sorting and organizing, I started flipping through some of the christian based books on the shelves and they weren’t as scary ad they used to seem. After trying out the new church, our old one doesn’t seem so scary and I think I’m getting close to being ready to go again.

All the stupid stuff that I came across on the new church’s website did mess with my head a little. They’re super anti medication in mental health circumstances and it’s just so easy to convince me that I’m doing something awful because I’m taking meds. I know that most of that insecurity comes from the fact that I’m not 100% convinced that it’s the best decision but I know that for right now, in this situation, I need to listen to those people around me who I trust who think that taking the medicine is the best thing for me. So, I’ll keep doing it. BLAH.

Now that I’m less sniffly with the cold and all that, I’m working on getting my running back up to speed, thankfully the weather is AMAZING right now and so I’m really enjoying that.

So I went to church today. There’s a big step. Now for those who happen to know me from church, I didn’t go there, we went and tried out The Village Church, Northway Campus. Whoa, lets talk about different from my home church. It was a really interesting experience, much “meatier” than the service we usually attend but at the same time just different. I’m such a difficult person when it comes to churches, and so I can find a problem with everyone. I mean I’m sure that everyone can find a problem with every church but it seems like the modern, protestant church is especially stupid when it comes to mental illness. Oh well.

That’s all I’ve got for now but I’ll try and update more later.

I’m totally ditching church (again, haha) because I have a ton of reading/patent bar study to do and I’m sitting in a coffee shop. Behind me there is a table of collegeish aged kids in church clothes looking at me in a judgey manner. It’s just hilarious. I’m not trying to eavesdrop but they’re talking extraordinarily loud so it’s pretty much impossible not to. Anyway, one thing that really stands out to me is how stupid many christian cliches are. It stands out especially to me right now because of how cynical I am towards the church as a whole, but to be honest, it’s probably not a bad place to be (for a little bit). Why can’t people just use normal language instead of these stupid catchphrases that mean absolutely nothing. Lately, my cynical self, just wants to know exactly what actions one would take the do some of these “Christian” reactions to a rough time. “Lean on the Lord” – well that one at least has alliteration, that’s something. But in my daily life what on earth would that that look like? Sending up a bunch of prayers when I have no faith that they’ll be answered?

I don’t even know how to fully explain how I’m feeling but it’s a mixture of disbelief and depression with a healthy dose of frustration. I think one of the worst parts is that every time I talk to my mother she says some sort of stupid thing like, well it’s all in God’s plan and all you need to do is pray about it and you’ll feel better. Yeah, flipping, right.

So I did a 5K yesterday and I’m really excited. I ran over a mile, walked a little less than a mile and then ran the final mile too! It was super duper exciting to finish the 5K and to run most of it!

I’ve now taken on a 10K in two weeks. EEEK! My goal is to run at least 3 miles of the 6 and then just walk the rest. I’m like super sore from the 5K but ready to get on it again.

I’m feeling a little bummed out though. Tough week. I mean it seems like all the weeks of school have been rough so far but I’m getting there. I sorta feel like a big, fat failure in law school but again I just have to keep going. I feel like I’m in Finding Nemo . . . “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming”

So I will.